Fashion, Beauty and Me: Shamelessly Accepting and Loving My Body For The First Time
For those of you that follow me on Twitter, you will know I wrote a mini thread on finally feeling comfortable in my body again. A feeling I haven’t experienced since I was eighteen, yet even so, it is a level of comfort and confidence that is new to me.
A lot of this has come through finding new love in fashion and beauty, despite having little places to go, apart from the park and the supermarket.
Where did this love come from?
Partly, from my sister and my friends, the truly amazing women in my life that have always shown me love and taught me to love my body. But, also from learning to unlearn damaging thought patterns, learning to trust my body again after losing control over it, and learning to form a healthy relationship with food after many months of living with very high levels of anxiety.
To show you how I got to this place of acceptance and appreciation, I want to take you on a journey. I will show you what my ideas of the body and how a woman should dress come from growing up both as a Pakistani Muslim girl into a woman, from modesty culture to the ideal body type, and how these concepts shaped my own view of my body.
We then arrive at acceptance after being surrounded by women who would uplift me, and help me find a new sense of style. Then to the first breakdown which shattered the way I viewed my body to the point I actively avoided mirrors. We then receive a level of acceptance, or ignorance of the body, and then another breakdown with the varying national lockdowns and my struggle with anxiety leading to hyperfocus on my body’s ‘flaws.’ Finally, we reach acceptance again, with positivity and hope again.
Body Image Throughout My Youth
Growing up, and by growing up I am talking about the teen stage, where your body begins to develop and then a focus is put on what is appropriate to wear. My genetics have blessed me with the pear body shape or a bottom hourglass, at least that is what I gathered it is from the images of the female body type.
Either way, these terms are so redundant and just another way to critique women's bodies. But, the point is that essentially I carry most of my weight from the stomach to the thighs and butt areas, as this lovely image demonstrates.
With this body type in mind, there was a certain age, I want to say just after I turned sixteen, as that is the last time I have seen a photograph of me in this style. I was not allowed to tuck in my t-shirts into jeans anymore, and most clothing had to cover my bum, despite jeans and trousers doing their job of that. I also had to wear scarves around my neck covering my chest area despite the loose clothing doing that job very well.
Essentially having to hide any form of body shape because the curves were too alarming. They were immodest. Partly, this is due to the over-sexualisation of women's bodies to the point any curve, having larger breasts, thighs, and bum are inherently sexual, even when women aren’t dressing for a sexual purpose.
Modesty culture is one I grew up with because modesty was inherent to an Islamic upbringing. But this culture was a detriment to someone who felt and was made to feel that their entire body type was immodest.
This got to me in my late teen years when my sister who had a different body type to mine, she is slimmer and had essentially the straight body type. So she could tuck in her tops into her jeans, she could wear outfits I wouldn’t be able to wear because with my body type it would be too provocative.
This idea of the ideal body type is further reinforced by South Asian fashion style and models, just like models anywhere the mainstream is thin and straight. Now, not to say women with that body type don’t have their own issues, but when you cannot see yourself in the fashion and beauty industry both in Western and Eastern media it leaves you left out.
I wrote a little bit about this in a previous article, in how I hated shopping for Pakistani clothing because nothing would ever fit me. I would always have to get a large or extra-large size so it would fit over my chest and then have the dresses altered to fit the rest of my body. Shopping became such a demoralising experience and I had a deep aversion to going to clothing stores to try on clothes.
But, I did find peace eventually. This happened when I went to university and I was surrounded by different women and was allowed to experiment with style a bit more. We swapped clothes and shared items, and I began to see my body in a different way, and I didn’t hate it.
Little did I know that was about to come shattering down at the sweet age of twenty.
The First Depressive Episode, Self-Loathing and Fearing Mirrors
After going through some difficult life events, with leaving religion and the repercussions that came with that, I entered a four-month depressive episode. My whole world had come crashing down and after my body had fought for as long as it could, flight happened.
The summer of 2018 was the first time my mental health took a real dive. I was going through an identity crisis, and with that came the perception of myself and my body. After having my body ridiculed and criticised, I developed that same self-hatred for it. I spent most days dressed in pajama pants and oversized clothing to hide any chance I could perceive my own body.
Mirrors were something I actively avoided, and this was not just full-body mirrors. It was the small bathroom mirror when I was brushing my teeth, the hallway mirror, any glass that I could see my own reflection in because I did not want to see the sadness I was feeling inside. Sasha Sloan sings a brilliant song about this, House With No Mirrors, a song about acceptance and self-love. Even to this day, when I hit mental health lows I avoid mirrors because if I see the sadness in my eyes it just sets me off again.
As things hit their peak, my self-care routine deteriorated, there was a good while where I couldn’t even brush my own hair. I remember having to stand in the shower for a good ten minutes to let the water soak through my dry, knotted tresses and then leave a hefty amount of conditioner in so I could drag a comb through it. I had also let it grow out for someone who has had short hair most of her life it was a sign of neglect.
Getting out of this process began when I cut off my hair, back to the cropped bob that I had been rocking most of my life. But, it was returning back to university and had more of a purpose, and the support of my friends around me.
In the years after that, I didn’t really care too much about my body with the stresses of my final year of university, I just comfort ate and comfort baked with my best friends. I was enjoying the little moments and time I had because that summer was the most difficult period of my life, and a time I didn’t think I would make it through, so I made sure to enjoy the days after that.
Lockdowns and Breakdowns: Anxiety, My Body and Me in 2020
Peace was disturbed again with the pandemic. Initially, in the first lockdown, I did not have much of a bad run with my body, instead, it was with my skin.
I had a pretty bad bout of acne, for someone who never really had breakouts in the teen phase, I was hit with stress acne at twenty-two. It affected me deeply to the point I would wear makeup in the house because I couldn’t bear seeing my skin all broken out and covered in hyperpigmentation. This was mostly due to the stress load I had on pre-pandemic and as I got closer to finishing my masters and the stress began to ease, so did my skin clear up and I was at a balance again.
As the world opened up again, I was happier and so was my relationship with my body and my skin. I was and I am still now pretty comfortable going out with no makeup, attending work meetings with no makeup, and when I do wear makeup I can wear lighter-weight foundations and feel good in my skin.
My hyperpigmentation no longer bothers me so much now, it's a part of me and I don’t care too much if you can see it through my makeup. I have to say Kelly Stamps is great for talking about this in her video where she does her makeup routine.
Now it's with the second national lockdown that my relationship with my body began to break down. Anxiety was at an all-time high, and I began experiencing physical symptoms on a scale I had never felt before. I write about it in detail in a previous post, but here I will just focus on how it affected my body image.
I hadn’t eaten a meal in weeks, my body actively rejected all food for a long while, at most I could muster a few bites of plain foods. With that, the weight dropped off fast and quickly. In the space of a month, I had dropped two jean sizes and that is when the anxiety around my body began to set in. I was anxious about eating again in case I piled it back on, after being told how I looked good, despite not feeling it.
During the third lockdown, as I was ‘recovering’ from anxiety, I had fall-offs and one of those was my relationship with food.
I had an unhealthy relationship with food, even when hunger and appetite returned I still restricted knowing it was wrong. Luckily, I have my mother, my sister, and my dear friend Fay to thank for getting me back to eating again. My mum would make sure I had dinner, my sister would get me to each lunch, and Fay, when I was at the lowest stayed with me and for a whole week, I had a solid two good meals a day.
As I began to enter the recovery phase from a bad run of anxiety, I had such a strange perception of my body. I still was ordering clothes too big for me because I couldn’t see how my body actually looked like if that makes any sense.
When I began ordering clothes for work with a start in the office occurring, I had to get my sister to sit down with me, look at the models, and then me, so I would pick the right size because I had such a warped sense of what I looked like.
But, with her help and the encouragement of the women in my life, I am now head into acceptance and positivity.
Watch Me While I Bloom: From Acceptance to Celebration
The title of this section comes from a song from my all-time favourite musician, Hayley Williams. This song resonates with me so much now, with spring I feel like I am recovering and blooming into a newer version of myself.
A woman with strength. A woman with acceptance for her whole self, the good, the messy, and the broken.
I honour my emotions and vulnerability. They are things I am no longer afraid of, I am no longer afraid of feeling the depths of my emotions, now I welcome them. I am confident, I know my value and worth, I have confidence in how I look and present myself in all ways, and most importantly I don’t need that external validation anymore (although it does feel nice to receive it). I don’t shy away from saying what I am good at, as well as confronting the things I am not too great at.
As the flowers bloom, I feel my heart opening more to myself, I am now giving myself the love that I so easily give to others and the love that I know I deserve. For the first time, I can see what my friends, what the women in my life tell me all of the time. I can see it for myself.
And it feels freaking great!
I now wear skirts, something I was not allowed to wear growing up and now I am comfortable enough to wear them. I smile more, I take pictures for myself (and to send to my wife and soulmate, Katie, who encouraged me to write this piece) and I overdress to the park because why the heck not!
It’s been fun with style and clothing and has had such a positive impact on how I feel. I look good and then you know, I feel it too. I always wear jewelry daily, even if I am just lounging around because it makes me feel a little together and more like me. But, also because my friend Maria got me these pressed flower moon earrings that I am OBSSESSED with.
My self-esteem has gone through the roof, I actually like and appreciate my own body. Other things apart from dressing up for myself that have helped is curating my Instagram page with women that look like me. Salma El-Wardnay is a badass Egyptian writer and journalist, and if you don’t follow her you need to. She has a no-nonsense approach and says it how it is, showing that not everyday you look great, shows its good to be angry and she writes some great poetry.
I also follow a lot pages that showcase South Asians from all backgrounds, genders and sexualities. I see more of people who look like me among the posts of my friends and excessive cat and frog meme pages.
However, the most enriching thing has been the women in my life that make me feel good about myself. I mention my sister and how she has made me feel comfortable in my body again by helping me with clothing and actually seeing my body for what it is. But, also being there when I was not okay and telling me all her odd stories and making dumb comments that have me laughing for hours on end.
My wife and soulmate, Katie always encourages me in everything I do, without her I would never have had the courage to share my poems back in 2017, and now that has led to a blog and this page. She said I should do a fashion/self-love blog, which I think this page has been amongst other things. Without her, I wouldn’t have made it through some of the tough times in my life, and her appreciation for me is something I will treasure forever, that and her sending me my daily dose of Tom Hiddleston/Loki tik toks.
My best gal, Charlotte has supported me so much through the last year, and without the endless support and a person to just talk to when my mind was in the worst kind of places, I would not be as happy as I am now. Sarah, my second wife, sending me a necklace all the way from Canada to help with my anxiety was one of the most meaningful gifts I have received and sleeping with it every night I can say it is magical because I have had no nightmares since wearing it.
Finally, I have to thank Fay for introducing me to her best friend Alisha, both of these women always hype me up and have been such a supportive force. We have such a solid friendship on suggesting what we think would look good on each other, sharing recipes, memes, and that all-important emotional support.
I hope to continue to blossom as spring takes full force and embrace the light I have as we enter summer.
